


Another Movie Parody Script

by LeastExpected_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-04
Updated: 2002-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:07:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26367667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist
Summary: by Orangeblossom BrambleburrIts already been done, and done well. And yet I write.a parody "script" for Fellowship of the Ring in the style of The Editing Room. The slash is mostly implied. *L*
Kudos: 2
Collections: Least Expected





	Another Movie Parody Script

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Least Expected](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected), which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Least Expected collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile).
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters are Tolkein's, the movie is New Line Cinema's/Peter Jackson's, the script format is Rod Hilton's, and I am broke. Everybody got that?
> 
> Feedback: Oh, please! Please!!
> 
> Story Notes: Dedicated to Steph and Sarah (Mook & Wraith), my MST buddies, who unknowingly wrote at least half of this.

**BLACK SCREEN**

GALADRIEL (Voiceover): The world is changed. I can feel it in the water. I can feel it in the earth. I can...

TREEBEARD (Voiceover): Hoom, hom! That's MY line! Hasty Elvin bint...

GALADRIEL (Voiceover): Quiet, you wooden twit, you'll get your turn next year. I need to explain the backstory.

**SHE DOES**

**EXT: THE SHIRE**

FRODO: La la la, I'm a happy little hobbit and I'm sitting in the sun and I'm reading and I'm happy, la la la la la...

**INT: BAG END**

GANDALF: Dude, I'm jonesing, you gotta set me up, man, you know I'm good for it.

BILBO: Dude, chill. I'll front you a nickel bag, but that's it. Need the rest for my party. Oh, MAN do I have the munchies...

GANDALF: (bangs head against various household implements)

MERRY and PIPPIN: Hey, knock it off, WE'RE the comic relief!

**EXT: BILBO'S PARTY**

SOUNDTRACK: Hah hah! This is one of the best numbers on the score and I'm not going to have it!

ROSIE COTTON: Hi everyone! I'm here as proof of SAM's heterosexuality! (she WAVES)

SAM: Reckon it'll take more than that, why don't we dance awkwardly while I look at FRODO over your shoulder?

ROSIE: Fine by me, I'm not actually at this party.

MERRY (to PIPPIN): Lets blow something up, thereby establishing ourselves as the comic relief!

PIPPIN: Ok, but don't forget to react in an overly-kooky manner when we're caught.

BILBO: Man, this party sucks. You people are so lame. I'm out of here. (He VANISHES)

GANDALF: Wait, leave your ring here.

BILBO: (REAPPEARING BRIEFLY) Dude, whatever. Later.

**INT: BAG END**

FRODO: La la la, I'm a happy little hobbit, just coming home...oh look, a pretty ring! I shall pick it up in a terribly poignant, nonchalant manner. La la la la...

GANDALF: I'm out of here, punk.

**17 YEARS PASS**

**INT: GREEN DRAGON INN**

ROSIE: Look! Here I am again!

PETER JACKSON: There, that ought to take care of the easily offended audience members. Now, back to the subtext.

**INT: BAG END**

**GANDALF: BOO!**

FRODO: GANDALF! My goodness, I haven't seen you in, what, seventeen years? My, how the time flies!

GANDALF: You know that ring? Its evil. You have to take it to, um...Bree. Right.

FRODO: Great! I'll take the next few months to pack and say lingering farewells...

GANDALF: No, you have to leave right this second!

FRODO: Um, ok. But at least I've got you to keep me company...

GANDALF: No, I've got to go see a friend of mine. He'll know what to do...

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS: Hah!

FRODO: Golly gosh, I'm going to be lonely on this long and probably dangerous quest.

GANDALF: Wait, I hear something. (he pulls SAM from the window).

SAM: I was just skulking around outside, I'm sure I was thinking about ROSIE at the time.

GANDALF: Great. Here, FRODO, take your stalker along for company.

**EXT: FARMER MAGGOT'S FIELD**

SAM: FRODO! I am panicking because I can't see you, even though I am quite sure I'm in love with ROSIE in a properly heterosexual manner.

FRODO: Are you going to panic every time I'm out of your sight?

SAM: Pretty much, yeah.

PIPPIN: I'm sorry, you'll have to drag us along because I'm quite certain you'll need comic relief on your journey.

MERRY: Look, I have a very large...carrot.

SAM: You and your carrots stay away from Mr. FRODO.

FRODO: La la la, I'm a worried but still happy little hobbit...golly gee willakers, I have this odd feeling that something kinda evil might be coming. Maybe we ought to hide or something.

MERRY: We don't want to hide, we want to augment our stash of weed with these mushrooms.

FRODO: Get off the road!

PIPPIN: Spoilsport

BLACK RIDER: (sniffling) Damn this cold...

EVERY INSECT AND WORM IN MIDDLE EARTH: Look! Creepy, huh?

**INT: THE PRANCING PONY**

MERRY: My, that was a quick several-days journey.

FRODO: Right. Now, everybody remember not to say my name under any circumstances.

PIPPIN: You mean BAGGINS? Don't say BAGGINS? Not even if somebody asks about a BAGGINS in an eerie, suspicious manner?

FRODO: Shut UP!

STRIDER: Hey, what's a nice hobbit like you doing in a place like this?

SAM: Back off, he's mine! Mine! In a purely heterosexual manner, mind you!

STRIDER: Whatever. Hey, you four should sleep in my bed tonight.

FRODO: So the evil black riders can't find us?

STRIDER: Um, yeah. That's why.

**INT: ISENGUARD**

SAURUMAN: Let me speak insultingly and disturbingly about the main bad guy.

GANDALF: Ok, as you are very wise and I trust you.

SAURUMAN: Sucker. Time for a Smackdown, Wizard Wrestling Federation style!

PETER JACKSON: I don't want to spend more on the effects, so I'm going to pull out my Rock-em, Sock-Em Wizards deluxe playset. I wonder if anyone will notice?

GANDALF: Check out my Three Stooges moves!

**EXT: ON THE ROAD TO RIVENDELL**

SAM: Where the hell did I get this horse?

**EXT: WEATHERTOP**

SAM: Didn't I have a horse a minute ago?

MERRY: Wouldn't it be funny if we built a fire so that the BLACK RIDERS could find us faster? Then we could have tomatoes and bacon for dinner.

SAM: Speaking of bacon, does anyone want to play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? I can do it in only one degree...

PIPPIN: Who's Kevin Bacon?

SAM: I've no idea.

BLACK RIDERS: Hah! Found you! Tag! You're it!

FRODO: OWWW! (he FALLS DOWN)

**EXT: SOMEWHERE WITH STONE TROLLS**

STRIDER: Hey, man, Glorfindel looks fine in drag.

ARWEN: Here, let me carry FRODO to Rivendell so that I may be heroic and have depth. Apparently I've become a Mary Sue, see how I am able to sustain an artistically-placed scratch.

SAM: Hey, look, I have a horse again!

**INT OR EXT (ITS HARD TO TELL WITH ELVES): RIVENDELL**

FRODO: Jesus, what did I _do_ last night?

SAM hold FRODO'S hand in a FRIENDLY, HETEROSEXUAL manner

ELROND: (from behind his Ray Bans) Welcome to Rivendell...Mister Baggins...

FRODO: My NAME is FRODO!

**EXT: ISENGUARD**

SARUMAN: Cut down all the trees. Trees are stupid. I'm sure this will never come back to haunt me.

LURTZ: Grrrr! Grunt!

**EXT: COUNCIL OF ELROND**

ELROND: Ok, are all the main characters here?

BOROMIR: Yes, but I don't like that there's another man. I don't like it, it makes me redundant. Hmm, I appear to be wearing a red Star Trek uniform under my armor.

LEGOLAS: Don't you know who this is? Its ARAGORN, son of ARATHORN, nephew of ARROGANT, second cousin of ARATANG, brother-in-law of...

BOROMIR: As if I care!

GIMLI: Elves suck.

LEGOLAS: Very well, in fact.

MERRY: Hey, its been about ten minutes since we've had any comic relief here!

PIPPIN: Hah hah! We're funny because we're irresponsible!

ELROND: Jesus, we're crawling with Hobbits! I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, I feel saturated by it.

**INT: RIVENDELL**

BILBO: Hey, don't I look old and freaky?

FRODO: Not freaky, no.

BILBO: (turns into GOLLUM) How about now?

**FRODO: YIKES!**

**EXT: MOUNTAIN**

FRODO: (FALLS down AGAIN) Oh dear, I've dropped the ring.

BOROMIR: Oooh, its so shiny...its just FABulous!

GIMLI: Its cold up here, lets go through the Mines of Moria.

GANDALF: First let me look cryptic and troubled. (He DOES). Ok. FRODO, you want to go over the mountain or under it?

FRODO: (shrugging) I don't care, my contract has me in all three movies.

**EXT: WALLS OF MORIA**

SAM: Goodbye, Bill

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION: Who the hell is Bill?

BILL THE PONY: I think I got gypped.

WATCHER: Oh look! People!

The WATCHER grabs FRODO, who has FALLEN DOWN AGAIN and swings him merrily through the air.

**FRODO: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

SAM: Get off him! He's mine! In a purely heterosexual manner!

ARAGORN hacks the HELL out of the WATCHER. They run into the MINES.

WATCHER: Damnit, I think I came on too strong.

**INT: MINES OF MORIA**

GANDALF: I haven't been cryptic enough lately, I shall remedy that.

FRODO: There's something following us.

GANDALF: Don't worry, he won't be important until the next movie.

PIPPIN: Hmm, this looks like an opportune place for some comic relief...

SIX MILLION ORCS: Hah! Found you!

BOROMIR: Yikes! We're infested! Who's got the number for Orkin?

SCARIER TROLL THAN THE ONE IN HARRY POTTER: I'm invincible!

CAVE TROLL stabs FRODO. FRODO falls down AGAIN

LEGOLAS: Hang on, let me use my superior aim to shoot the quarter-inch spot that will kill the Troll

ARAGORN: You couldn't have done that sooner?

LEGOLAS: No, you silly king, I was fixing my hair.

FRODO: Hey, I'm fine, everyone. You know, in case anyone was worried. Um, hello?

The AUDIENCE is still ogling LEGOLAS

**INT: BRIDGE OF KHAZAD DUM**

GIMLI: Not the beard!

PIPPIN: (tries to push GIMLI into a PIT) This is your last warning, dwarf, WE'RE the comic relief!

BALROG: Oh, that armor has GOT to go. You know, you'd look FABOULOUS in sequins. Has anyone seen my Judy Garland albums?

PEOPLE READING THIS SCRIPT: What the hell was that?

ORANGEBLOSSOM: He's flaming.

PEOPLE READING THIS SCRIPT: That's not very funny.

ORANGEBLOSSOM: Sorry, moving on.

GANDALF: Well, its been fun and all but I have to sacrifice myself now.

**EXT: LOTHLORIEN**

CELEBORN: I'm in the movie, really.

GALADRIEL: No you're not. Now watch me have a freak-out fit. AAUUUGGGHHH!

FRODO: (FALLING DOWN AGAIN) I have got to get away from these people.

**EXT: SHORES OF THE GREAT RIVER**

SAM: I seem to have forgotten to stalk FRODO in a purely heterosexual manner and he has left my line of sight!

BOROMIR: Hey, FRODO, can I have the ring?

FRODO: No.

BOROMIR: Please?

FRODO: No.

BOROMIR: Pretty please?

FRODO: No.

BOROMIR: Damnit.

FRODO: I'm out of here.

SAM: Wait! You leaving makes it impossible to stalk you in a purely heterosexual manner!

FRODO: No, I must make myself a noble sacrifice!

SAM: What if I almost drown myself in my purely heterosexual desire to catch up to you?

FRODO: Well, when you put it that way...

**EXT: RUINS**

SIX MILLION ORCS: Grrrr.. Arrrggghhh...

LURTZ: Find the Halfling!

AUDIENCE: It talks?

MERRY: Would it be comic relief if we ran smack into the Orcs?

PIPPIN: Lets find out.

BOROMIR: No! I will save you!

LURTZ: Aha! A redundant brooding male character!

LURTZ shoots BOROMIR with ARROWS

BOROMIR: Ow! But I must keep fighting!

LURTZ shoots BOROMIR again

BOROMIR: Oooh, owwww...must...keep...defending...tiny...men...

LURTZ shoots BOROMIR again

BOROMIR: Owwwwwwww ow ow ow...must...keep....going...

ARAGORN jumps on LURTZ before he can SHOOT BOROMIR AGAIN

ARAGORN: Sorry I'm late, hope you didn't have any trouble.

ARAGORN hacks LURTZ'S arm off.

LURTZ: Its just a flesh wound!

ARAGORN: What are you talking about? Your arm's off!

LURTZ: No it isn't! Have at you!

ARAGORN cuts off LURTZ'S head before LURTZ can engage in any more MONTY PYTHON REFERENCES

BOROMIR: Oh, woe is me, I've failed and I'm dying.

ARAGORN: No, you were brave.

BOROMIR: I tried to take the ring.

ARAGORN: That's ok.

BOROMIR: I stole a bagel in Rivendell

ARAGORN: Um, that's ok.

BOROMIR: I tried to get ahold of Merry's carrot.

ARAGORN: Uh...

BOROMIR: In the fourth grade I pushed my sister Edie down the stairs and blamed it on the dog.

ARAGORN: Would you just bloody die already?

BOROMIR: (dies)

ARAGORN: Right, then. You two, the other main characters, lets go.

LEGOLAS: Um, wasn't there a little guy with a ring that we were supposed to look after?

ARAGORN: (shrugs) Lets just go kill stuff!

GIMLI: Yes! And now that the halflings are gone _I_ can be the comic relief!

**EXT: SOMEWHERE IN EMYN MUIL**

SAM gazes ADORINGLY at FRODO. HE must be thinking about ROSIE.

FRODO: Well, this is going to suck.

SAM: Yes, but at least the movie's over.

AUDIENCE: My ass has been asleep since Rivendell!

**END**


End file.
